The Struggle is REAL

If you have ever said yes to your calling, then you know that the spiritual warfare comes! Well, it was extra nasty for the first two weeks of this month! It felt like I was being attacked from every angle!! The constant attacks can be so draining, especially when you are already using up your energy reserves to just keep up with daily life.

We opened this month with a kid’s community outreach. SO many kids from the surrounding areas came for a day of fun, games, and learning about Jesus. It was amazing to witness!! Despite only lasting a few minutes before the nausea and pain kicked in, and ending up back in bed to rest, the rest of the team did their thing and loved on some kids. I laid there as I struggled with feelings of uselessness or feeling somehow “broken”.

We left for a camping mission of the 12th of March, and the warfare continued. I would even say that it went up a few notches. I spent much of my mental capacity just keeping up with the team as we walked from village to village. That Thursday, we got to show the Jesus Film at a school, and many kids accepted Christ as their Savior! By that Friday morning, something felt really off! My sugars were too high, and I had to force myself to eat and drink due to the pain. I felt weak. Billy took me to the clinic in the nearby village where they ran a liver function test and tested my blood sugar levels. So, we waited for the results.

After some time, the nurse came in and said they don’t know how to help, but that I needed to go see the doctor in Nairobi. Stephanie, Emily, Billy and I made the arrangements to leave that Sunday morning. Saturday, we packed up what we would need and waited for Sunday morning.

We wanted to be at the hospital when it opened up that Monday morning. I got seen very quickly, as my doctor was already expecting me. She ran ALL the tests!! She even set up an appointment for me to see a specialist that day at 10:50am! And we waited… The specialist ordered a special MRI that was done on that Tuesday, and wanted me back the next day to get the results. So we had a full day of waiting… When I got the bloodwork back, most of the results showed that there was a ridiculously healthy person in my chair. No cancer markers, hormones were perfect, no autoimmune disorders; other than a high white blood cell count and elevated liver enzymes, and such. There was some type of infection, but what was infected? More waiting….

Wednesday morning, we arrived to get the results of the MRI, and that specialist said that I need to be admitted for an obstruction and possibly get my gallbladder removed. Oh my stars, what? By that afternoon, I was in a holding room WAITING for a room in the ward to open up and by that evening, I had been moved to a room and told that I would have a surgery by a different specialist the next morning. So we waited…

However, that is NOT what happened the next morning! The two specialist’s were not agreeing on the diagnosis, nor the proper course of action. For close to 8 hours, they disagreed and seemed frustrated with the other team. It was so weird being stuck in the middle of those two teams! But, more waiting…

During all of this time, past traumas and hurts kept rearing up in both Billy and myself. It was EXHAUSTING! I journaled asking God to help me to walk through this with grace and for his peace to completely surround me. I even turned on my worship playlist, shed some tears and just listened for hours!! All the while getting woken up for new meds and fluids, and waiting for answers.

Well, that Friday afternoon, I was transported to a different hospital for an investigative procedure. I was stressed going into the procedure because I was still awake while they were setting up. But waking up from that anesthesia was the WORST I have ever felt waking up from a surgical procedure. It felt like my mouth was glued shut, and I could not move my body at all. It wasn’t a great experience, but I was so thankful that Billy got to be with me though! And the nurse that went with us was an angel! Truly! Nurse Sarah was so amazing!

I finally got back to my original room around 8:25pm. I was SO hungry, as it had now been roughly 23 hours since I last ate. However, my throat hurt something fierce. So I melted ice cream in my mouth, drank some water, and went to sleep as best I could.

The next morning the doctor came in and told me that I did not have a blockage, but severe inflammation and swelling of my stomach, and the tubes leading from my gallbladder and liver! Well, Praise God, I was keeping all of my organs! He also said that the endoscopic ultrasound was bigger than normal so my throat would be very sore for a while. My only question was “can I go home now?” LOL Yeah, I was beyond ready to be back in the bush to recover with my whole team, despite the fact that we had instant access to electricity there.

Throughout the entire experience, we had our family here to provide support and a bit of entertainment. We also had our board of directors praying and sending messages. We are so thankful for the prayers that went up and all of the support that was shown during this trial. We felt surrounded by love and support, even from those who were a half-a-world away!It has now been a full week of the medication and dietary changes, but I am feeling more and more human! The pain is decreasing daily and my energy is increasing as the days go on! And I can eat a full meal without pain!! I am SO excited!! I am still getting tired easily and a bit weaker than I’d like, but God has walked with me through all of the medical chaos and warfare. HE provided peace of spirit, even when the situation was anything but peaceful. He opened the doors for Billy and I to communicate honestly about what was going on and past traumas. Oh my stars, that is SO healing!! I wish I could say that we got it all right and didn’t have any harsh words/feelings, but that would be a lie. The struggle is real, but so is truth being spoken, grace being given and forgiveness!!

I may never know the reason why it all happened, but I do know that God used it and will continue to use it as a testimony of His faithfulness and love. One thing that I kept telling precious friends that reached out, is that “I will not doubt in the darkness what God said in the light”. In other words, my calling does not change because it became a difficult journey. I had a choice, to choose to trust him even while it didn’t make sense or allow doubts and fears to rule. I’m gonna choose to trust! I am going to have those painful but much needed conversations to heal from past traumas and hurts. I am going to be still and listen to His voice, even if others are telling me to go back to the states. I am going to continue to release it all to God and walk closer to him; come what may. I am going to trust that He has me, even if I don’t “feel” it for a moment.

Can’t wait to see what He does next month!! Stay tuned!