Have you ever walked through a difficult season and told God that you want to trust his plan fully, but you aren’t really a fan of the current plan?
I am sure that if we were really honest with ourselves, we have all been there at some point.
Well, I have had a few of these honest comments with God. I hate to admit it, but even had one recently…
Some may remember that I have had some tummy issues since February. The pain has increased over the past few weeks. There have been moments that the pain took my breath away.
I have prayed, pouted, cried, and sought the help of the specialist that helped me back in March.
We have discovered a few things. First, the crazy diet didn’t help as much as we had hoped. Second, the inflammation of the common bile duct (tube coming from the gallbladder) is more swollen than it was; which explains the pain. Third, the valve that controls the release of the bile and pancreatic secretions is not cooperating as it should. This could very well be the actual issue. Fourth, my pouting didn’t make any of it better! Haha
After seeing a second specialist, I was placed on a new medication to try to help the valve relax, and hopefully, it will also assist with decreasing the inflammation and the pain. My body has to adjust to the medicine, and it could take a couple of weeks to know whether it is working or not. In the mean time, the pain is still the same and none of the other circumstances have changed. So now what?
Now I have a choice to make. I actually have to make it constantly. Am I going to trust God fully or partially? Are my actions going to line up with what I am saying or will they show that I am still trying to hold back or pout about it?
Truth is that it could be a mixture of all of it. I have to remind myself that it has been months since it began and it won’t be fixed overnight. No matter how much I want it to!! Here is what I do know though….
God has taken care of me and provided periods of relief throughout this entire journey! God has still allowed me to be a small part of what He is doing here on the ground in Kenya. Despite the pain, I have still been able to accomplish things, some with help and many things on my own (just slower).
He has given me some incredible doctors! He has given me some amazing new friendships that I met even in the midst of all of this! He has surrounded me with family here and a crew of praying friends back home!
Even while it still hurts, God is still good. Even though it is taking WAY longer than I would prefer, God is in control. I KNOW that He can and will use this too!
So I will keep choosing to trust, even when it hurts. I will choose to trust, even when I don’t understand. I will choose to trust, even when I “freak out” for a moment. I am going to keep trusting and reminding my actions to line up.
How can I do that? By still praying honestly, by still reading my Bible, by still loving others, by reaching out to others when I am struggling, and to keep sharing what He is doing!!
Proverbs 3:5-6 says this, ” Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
I’m going to keep trusting!