Ever pause and ask yourself, “How did it even get this far?”
Especially when it comes to a disagreements or tough subjects with your spouse, the conversation can sometimes feel like it skipped a few levels in an instant!
Billy and I are SO opposite! HA Like in almost everything! The running joke is that the only thing we have in common is that we both love for the Lord and our heart for people. (We actually do have some more things in common, but…..)
The differences are true even in how we give and receive love, how we process information, and for how we speak. So if we are not intentional about how we show each other love, respect and in how we speak to one another, you might be able to see just how easily things can get out of whack in such a relationship. Just a tiny slip here, a glitch of a facial expression there, and BOOM! Misunderstandings and possibly hurt feelings.
What do we do? Well, honestly, we mess it up! All of the time!
But we have a choice. We need to be willing to acknowledge that we are always going to be constant learners of each other. We have to be willing to be vulnerable, even when our flesh screams to “hold onto that hurt”. We have a choice to say when we have messed up, but also what we need in any given time period. (That is not always easy!) Sometimes, it can take a moment to get the thoughts and words under control….. Just being honest. We have to be intentional about sharing any and all expectations; leave nothing unspoken!
So what helps? We have a few filters that we run things through. For example….
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said by me right now?
Also, use Philippians 4:8 that says, “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Is this honorable, pure, just, worthy of praise? Or am I just wanting to throw a tantrum and throw words around like daggers because my pride was hurt?
Whatever emotion or thought we have in any given moment, run it through the filters! Train yourself!! Celebrate when you do it right! Seriously, celebrate the wins!!
It takes practice. And sometimes, I catch myself in a misstep, and just pull in for a hug while taking a deep breath. (Take every thought and emotion captive) This process doesn’t come naturally to me. But I am learning to laugh at myself, and apologize quickly. It takes time, and putting it into practice. Repeat the steps as often as you need to.
It takes allowing Billy to hold me accountable to the standard we have set together. In the moment, that doesn’t always feel great, but it is ALWAYS good for us.
We also have to make it a point to pray together and talk with each other about all the things! Pray about EVERYTHING!! Including our thoughts, our strengths and weaknesses, our children and grandchildren, our past, our hurts, our weak spots, our today, and the provision for today. Pray about the future, direction, and ministry. Pray for peace of mind and clarity when making decisions. Pray about who to have as accountability partners and mentors. Pray about all of it!! Talk about all of it!! Be real and allow your spouse to be real!!
Read the Bible together and talk about what you are reading. Learn together!
Encourage each other. Say specific things that you are grateful for about your spouse. You are a TEAM! Be a united and life-giving one!!
Are we always good at it? Absolutely not! But we are committed. We made a commitment to God and to each other when we said “I do”. And “we still do!”
We ARE both committed to making our marriage the BEST it can be! That takes work and having accountability partners to help us. He has permission to reach out to my tribe to help me or encourage me or tell me that I am not being very nice. And I have permission to reach out to his iron-sharpening men.
Who has permission AND the freedom to speak honestly into your life? Think about it…..
Your spouse? Your best friend? Your children? A mentor?
How well do you listen to understand the other person’s perspective, versus listening to reply/defend? Are you honest, like complete transparency, with these people or do you say only certain things? Do you do the same thing with your relationship with God? (Oof) Somethings to think about….
So until next time, we are going to pray.
Father, thank you for your grace. Thank you for the gift of my spouse. Thank you that his strengths are different than mine, and that they help me grow in my areas of weakness. Thank you for my strengths and that I get to help him with those! Thank you for the gift of communication and forgiveness. Oh Father, thank you for your forgiveness!! May we continue to seek you for our marriage, our family, and the way we steward your ministry. Father, help us all to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Help us to try to out-love the other! Help us as we move forward together; to walk in unity, truth, and love. Thank you for walking with us and the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide us and comfort us. We are excited to see how you will move in us and through us! In Jesus’ name I pray, AMEN!